Aquaman

The trailer is probably all you needed to know about this movie, it is basically trash; although, you can’t really blame the actors for participating in this silly action flick.

Aquaman is basically a film about guys with mommy issues (one guy with daddy issues), drunken debauchery, dopey siren damsels, cliched sniveling side characters and, lots of innuendos you could expect from an Aquaman movie; and, yes, I’m referring to every Aquaman meme you can think of…

If you’ve read any of my previous reviews, you can see why I don’t particularly like this kind of film.  It’s too silly, lame and, tacky for my liking but I commend everyone that worked on producing this film because they truly made lemonade out of lemons.  This is one of the crappiest films I have ever seen yet it is well on its way to making a crap load of money.  This kind of movie makes you never want to see another movie again.

The entire movie is about a man who tries to destroy the world because he felt the world took his mother away from him.  He teams up with a man who feels like Aquaman took his father away from him and together, they try to destroy their perceived enemies.  The “one man” that unites their cause is the Aquaman, an awkwardly dopey jobless drunk with mommy issues of his own.  The dopey anti-hero (hero) teams up with a dopey damsel running away from our main-antagonist who is seeking to destroy the world because, she has daddy issues.  Wow.  The protagonist and the antagonist have mommy issues and their sidekicks have daddy issues.  To make matters worse, the protagonist and the antagonist are brothers; with the protagonist being a bastard, born out of wedlock by their dopey damsel-in-distress mother.  Naturally, the film ends when the main characters confront their mother and the “bad guy” walks away with his mother while the “good guy” jerks himself off by holds a phallic trident in front of a viewing audience.  The end.  The moral of the story?  Good guy, holds big phallic trident and gets dopey girl.  Bad guy, loses his big phallic trident and is comforted by his mother.

Great.  I wonder what Sigmund Freud would have made of this movie.  It is one innuendo after another but not in a fun way.  These characters have serious problems.  If that’s your thing, go for it.  I just respect the hustle; in that, the production is able to hustle your money away from your pocket.  Stay away from this tacky film.  My advice, skip this movie; go swimming or go see a “shrink” instead.  You’ll be better off for it.

Highlight of the film for me?  Jason Momoa actually says, “…there’s a bogey on our six…”  It’s like they’re trolling Micheal Bay and his god-awful transformers movies.  That line is code for, “This is a very crappy film, why are you watching this crap?”

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